17 Feb 04:42
Okay, I've been posting sporadically lately. Here are my past few months, in pictures:

<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heat FAIL.</td></tr></tbody></table><table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That was the night I bought THIS awesome little space heater.
(In case you want one too, I bought it from Amazon)</td></tr></tbody></table>
<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Failing at the stern face look.
Somehow it just looks like a stern smirk.</td></tr></tbody></table><table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fired a rifle for the first time.</td></tr></tbody></table>
<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Children ran screaming from the giant disembodied head
at the Museum of Natural History's BRAIN exhibit, NYC</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td></tr></tbody></table>
<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">U.S. Capitol at sunset - I took this with my phone and didn't add
any effects except for the border. I love this shot because of the warm light.</td></tr></tbody></table>

<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I got sick and ventured out for food in my PJs. I mean, so what?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">
</td></tr></tbody></table><table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(At least I removed the bathrobe.)</td></tr></tbody></table>




<table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Most BORING fortunes ever -- all three of us landed the same one!</td></tr></tbody></table><table class="tr-caption-container" align="center" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It flurried and it appears this triggered a bout of
amoebic dysentery for the ENTIRE TOWN.
Barely any toilet paper to be found.</td></tr></tbody></table>

01 Feb 02:45
I'm behind on my collection of funny tweets but here's a few until I get the next collection going!

TFLN (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required, it was more like all assembly required

TheBloggess: Aw. My dad just opened a box of sex magazines with me on the cover. He said I looked "Very nice". Well, that's...awkward.

symigoddess: On my way to get a massage for Festivus - like Feats of Strength except I am totally going to let him win for 90 minutes

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

adamcarolla: I'm sick, but not too sick to go to Bill Simons to watch the games. Starve a fever, feed 9 Sam Adams to a cold.

NakedNikki: My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

tstyles77: Every time I check the Oklahoma section of "People of Wal-Mart" and I'm not pictured, I think to myself, "You've done good, kid."

Higgins_J: I need to learn how to say "May the Force be with you" in Arabic.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
everything is fine love. your government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone elses screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with and follow the sound of screaming children.

NakedNikki: My kids are obnoxious tonight. So, just how does one go about throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This drain is looking kinda small.

jordanrubin: My ancestors never had a family crest, because there's no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.

TheStevenWeber: There's something emotionally satisfying about strangling fruit.

micahpearson: BTW: My mother said I'm a narcissist. Or, at least I *think* she did. I couldn't hear her over the sound of how awesome I am.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

adamcarolla: If I hear another news story about "Don't ask don't tell". I'm going to fall on a sharpened cock.

NakedNikki: Simultaneously having a migraine and two children is nature's way of granting me empathy for species that eat their young.

kellyoxford: By the time you're 30 you realize that all of the important events in your life include stress diarrhea.

spleeness: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

TFLN: (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

cmglothlin: I feel like my life is complete. Tonight I gave another guy some of my own neuroses. This pride must be like what a new father feels.

Shpantzer: I did it all for the wookie #dojocon

JimGaffigan: Um, is there any way we can get a table near the bullet hole?

isweatbutter: There's one I've never heard on this show before... "WWII made me do it." #HOARDERS

mccanner: OH: "so is that your partner in the wood chipper, then?"

isweatbutter: Based on the number of times fire trucks have been by my house this morning, I'm estimating 8 families burned the bird. #Thanksgiving

NakedNikki: It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are fucking hilarious though.

plumbob78: I have achieved PANTS!

someecards: I want you to know that I often still think of you while we're having sex.

TFLN: (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

[see more! Funny Tweets archive]

17 Jan 02:06
So here are my top search terms for 2010:

• I throw up body parts
  Um, you have bigger problems than the Internet can help you with right now. SEE A DOCTOR.
• my wife is focking her uncke
  I'm going to assume that this is just a terrible case of mistyping and hope these people found a good shrink.
  
• pictures of snake faces
  Dawww. Not something I have on my blog, but you know, kind of cute anyway.
  
• 4 pack abs
  Ambition! I like it. Who needs 6-pack abs when 4 will do?
• mouse died in fat rolls
  Well, sympathies, yo. Maybe lose some weight and clean the house if things are that outta control.
  
• big zit
  Alright, I do know where this one led: the story of my enormous zit. Or wait. Maybe it wasn't THAT zit story. Maybe it was this one. Nice. I guess everyone has to be famous for something.
  
• hideous clothes
  What was I just saying about being famous for something? ;)
  
• colonoscopy cartoons
  Glad to know I'm not the only one who appreciates this kind of thing.
  
• cheap ass apartments flagstaff
  I'm pretty sure no apartment website is going to be using this keyword.
  
• Two related: "why are their so many losers?" and "Are there that many losers out there?"
  If someone searches for such stats on the internet, does that make them a loser?
• dog sphincter
  ::fistpump!!
  
• suburban fuck nest
  Yeah, good luck with that. That's not really my forte.
  
• snake genitals
  The number of people looking for snake genitals online is ASTOUNDING.
  
• Can a spleen quiver
  YES. Mine is RIGHT. NOW.
  
• what can happen on planes?
  Um, they can fly?
  
• big boob wrestling
  Also not really my forte, but okay, enjoy.
  
• found larvae in my raisin box
  OH yes. This incident. I'd almost forgotten. Excuse me while I throw up.
  
  
• I put a snake in my vagina
  This sound more like an emergency room thing and less like a googling thing. Don't you think you should be consulting with medical professionals? Also, you are now infected with all kinds of horrible bacteria. Please get thee some help.
  
• teenage head in my refrigerator.zip
  Um. I hope this is referring to a file of someone's halloween cake. FBI? Can you double-check?
  
  
• dark olive vomit
  Greeat. I write a post about olives, and who cares? People puking.
  
• What's a douchebag?
  While there are various and sundry definitions of this, I don't believe this is a topic I've ever covered on my blog.

I'd like to add a hearty: what the...???

07 Jan 03:05
TFLN (707): I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

Lord_Voldemort7 If you're reading this, congratulations, you've begun 2011 the same way you ended 2010... mindlessly entertained by social media. Nerd.

JezebelTheGreat My midnight kiss was warm and wet and wonderful but I don't think that old lady liked it because she had me thrown out of Walgreen's.

SingleSteve I drank a ton last night., only slept 3 hours, and yet somehow I feel great? This could be the year of Steven

plumbob78 Clearly I am broken, because a new year means fuck all to me.

cellimachine Dear 2011, don't fucking suck bitch. Love, celli.

shitmydadsays "No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."

aedison And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

zefrank dear universe. please make it easier next year. all of it.

someecards My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

30 Dec 22:55
So holiday visits can be kinda awkward when there's been a big (negative) change in your life. It's the time of year to see people not normally around everyday. On Christmas eve, I visited my Aunt's and some relatives I hadn't seen since last year. I did send out a mass holiday note of cheer saying, "Happy Holidays! Here's my new address and btw, hubby and I split and life sucks. Have a great New Year!"

So I knew they KNEW but still, we hadn't TALKED.

Sample conversation that awkward night:

Them: "zOMG, how ARE you!!"

Me (unsure of what to say): "Um, hi. My marriage ended. Other than that, you know, okay."

Them (sympathetic headcock not unlike the way a great dane considers the option of going out): "Oh wow. I'm so sorry."

Me (awkardly shifting): "Oh, pssht. I mean, there are children starving in North Korea."

Them (equally flailing awkwardly): "So what ELSE is new?"

Me (there needs to be something else??) "Well, I'm learning how to draw. And I just found out what 'moobs' are!"

::facepalm::

Actually, I do have a really awesome family, and they love me no matter what, and some of them have even been down dark roads too. Awkwardness is okay in a room full of love, even if it does waste some wine from the spraying and sputtering.